she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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