She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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