Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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