What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
