The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
