But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
