I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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