You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We just shotgunned beers for America
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
