Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
