i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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