her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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