Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
