dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
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At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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