I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
