i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
