Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
