one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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