fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
