she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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