Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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