Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
