my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
