im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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