im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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