Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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