I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
