I think I died a long time ago.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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