If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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