My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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