I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
