Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
