not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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