farters have to be the big spoon...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
