Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
