the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
