wrigley field is MILF paradise
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
