Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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