Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I can't turn off my feet"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
