where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
