We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am one with the molecules
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
