weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
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It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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