made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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