I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
