His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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