If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
