when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
