I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
