Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
