I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
