just come out here and I will go home with you...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Holy shit dude........stairs
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