I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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