I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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