i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
