On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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