My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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