I could have mohawked her pubes.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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