I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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